Self Evaluation

I feel now, more than ever, that I am in a major period of self evaluation. I am certain that this is all part of being a mother and because my children now need me in different ways than they did two years ago or even two months ago.

I have always had pretty good self confidence and have been fairly happy with who I am. I now constantly question that. Not so much in my work life but definitely in my home life. Bottom line, I am scared to death of screwing my kids up. For years now I have fed bottles, changed diapers, cleaned up vomit, played with my kids and kissed and hugged them endlessly. That is no longer enough.

Janie, Janie, Janie... I have no choice but to recognize that she is in no part a small child anymore. She needs structure, discipline, guidance, understanding, explanation and a lot of love. These things seem the same that I would have listed years ago however it is so different now. She asks difficult questions, she can manipulate me, she sees everything that is going on around her, she likes boys, she can be mean and yet she is so fragile. So fragile that I feel if I don't handle all of this correctly, I am going to screw her up. She is definitely on the fast social track, she is pretty and has a great personality. I want to do my best to filter all of this correctly. I so want her to be kind, loving, hard working and appreciative. This is not about me but instead about trying to teach her the importance of these things without be a nag or a mother that she will hate some day because I was constantly lecturing her. I believe that children learn best by being a good example for them. I want to be that but I am not sure that I always am. I am not a patient person, I don't always take the time to discuss things in depth like I should and I constantly wonder if I give Janie enough of "me" as I feel I am always dealing with the boys. I often go to bed at night questioning myself on my day. Was I too hard on Janie? Are my expectations that she needs to keep her room picked up, her bed made and her laundry put away too much? Why do I have to take privileges away weekly for not completely these tasks? I want her to be a kid and to have fun but I also want her to work hard and appreciate what she has. I constantly hear how a friend has a better house or a better toy. So I can't buy my children EVERYTHING but they certainly have what they need, and more.

Don't get me wrong, I think Janie is great. I am so proud of how she is doing in school and she excels in all the activities that she tries. Is it just me? Do I want to much? I guess I just want to do right.

The boys of course are at a completely different stage of life. In many aspects it is easier because I don't have to worry about the hard "life" stuff yet. They do however consume the majority of my time just keeping them safe and out of trouble.

I realize that this is just the beginning of many, many years of this tough stuff and that it will get harder before it gets easier. I know just a few things~these precious gifts that I call my children are loved as much as anyone can love anything. I also know that I learn more about myself and life from them every day than I do from anywhere else. Together, we will make it work, even if I mess up sometimes!